Just This One Thing
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Dean POV from 7.1. Feeding off the scene where Dean is prepping the Impala for painting and talking with Bobby about Sam.


Title: Just This One Thing

Author: Obi the Kid

Rating: PG

Summary: Dean POV from 7.1. Feeding off the scene where Dean is prepping the Impala for painting and talking with Bobby about Sam.

* * *

Hell, no he ain't fine! Furthest thing from it. Sam can play that line like a broken record, but I know my brother. I know his lies too, almost as well as I know my own.

I know he's not okay because _we_ don't have that type of luck. We've never had it. We never will.

And lately, it's been more than just non-luck. These last few years have been nothing but a bucket load of crap hurled at us over and over again. Save the entire friggin' world by diving into Lucifer's cage and what do you get for it? A little brother slowly drowning in his own personal interior battle with Hell.

How's that for a morale booster? Just friggin' fantastic.

Yeah, I don't know exactly what's going on in Sam's head right now, but it's something. Bobby was right in saying that he shouldn't be vertical, much less appearing to function so well. And I gotta admit that it's throwing me off kilter with it. It's letting me foolishly cling to that tiniest bit

of hope that he _is_ fine. Because no one in his position should be walking and talking like everything's okay, right? But somehow Sam is managing to do just that.

He's strong, but he can't be _that_ strong.

Should I believe it though? That maybe – _finally _- something has gone our way? This one thing that we need – that _I_ need – more than anything; for Sam to be past the worst of his Hell issues and to be allowed to move on with his normal life as a hunter. And so I can go back to worrying about him when we're in danger on a hunt rather than every damn second of every damn day?

Don't we deserve that much?

Sam gave up his life for this friggin' planet. I gave up my brother. And this is the thanks we get for keeping this rock from becoming a burning pile of crap wrapped in evil?

Nice.

I ain't asking for the world here. I just need this one thing -just thing one single thing. I need Sam to be sane and…I need him to be okay.

But he's not. And I'm pretty damn sure that before too long Bobby and I are gonna get a full-on visual version of Hell Show-and-Tell.

I gotta wonder though - what's the point of me even wishing for something like this? We can't stop Cas. Maybe we should just sit here and let the world fend for itself for once. I mean, we've given _everything_ and then some. When is enough, enough? Forget the planet, how much do Sam and I have to give before we destroy our _own_ selves?

I'm already working on that one; my own self destruction. I mean, I got nothin' left. Cas turning like he did…I lost a friend. And not just a friend, but the only person other than Sam and Bobby that I could rely on for almost anything. Together, the four of us had done the impossible in defeating Lucifer. And then...everything changed. Cas wandered down some back-country soul-sucking detour, decided he wanted to be God, and turned against us. But Cas didn't _just_ turn. No, it would have been too easy to just go dark side and then skip along your merrily evil way. He did the one thing that attacked me to the core. The one thing he knew would punish me more than anything else on the planet. He hurt my brother. And let me tell you, there ain't forgiveness in that, no matter who you are.

Still, Sam managed to recover and on the outside, seems pretty normal. At least to those who don't know him. Both Bobby and I have seen past the Sammy-exterior. I'd just been tryin' to not think about it until Bobby brought it up. Sam's trying so hard to seem normal, that he's showing exactly the opposite - that he's just not right.

I can hope though, can't I? If there's any hope left in the world. Maybe, by some miracle – yeah, I know, fat chance of a miracle under this new regime – maybe by some miracle Sam can hold it all together until we can find a permanent solution.

…If we can be allowed just this one thing…

But no. Won't happen. We're the Winchesters, remember? And nothing good ever came of being a Winchester. We wrote the book on pain and angst and self destruction.

And because of that, Sam won't be okay. He won't skate through this with just an occasional nightmare about the time he spent piggy-backed to Lucifer. And I know only he can say what's going on inside the dome of his, but it's not and it won't be anything good.

And I'm tired of losing Sam, so damn tired of losing my little brother. I made a promise to him when I was four that I'd always protect him and keep him safe. I'm doing a bust-up job of that, aren't I? Tell you what else though. I'm tired of losing myself when it happens. Sam falls and whiskey-be-damned, I seem to follow right behind him in one way or the other. We've gone beyond being each other's weak spot. We've become each other's downfall. My sanity linked to his.

My brother needs his sanity, he deserves the damn thing.

So, I ain't holding out that Sam's _"I'm fine"_ mantra keeps my sliver of hope alive, but asking for just this one thing – that my brother is okay…I already know it'll be asking too much.

And if Sam's not okay, what's around the corner? What else can be thrown at us? How many more times can we get slammed to the pavement and still bounce back?

I'm damn tired of bouncing.

Sam's not okay.

It's the one thing I need him so badly to be, and it's the one thing that he's not even close to being.

* * *

The end.


End file.
